we just can't catch a break...

Like, I'm not even kidding. 

Within the course of 4 years...

-My father dies a few years back.

-My grandpa has 4 strokes, including one in which he wasn't able to talk to us for weeks. 

-My grandma has multiple heart attacks and multiple scares that land her in the hospital.

-My good friend, Nick, passes away suddenly. 

-My grandmother goes into the hospital around Christmas this year, only to leave 3 weeks later on Hospice care (Basically sent her home to die)

-She died 3 short days after going home. 

-After my grandmother dies (my moms mom), my mother goes in for a normal dentist appointment only to find out her blood pressure is sky high, and doctors don't know why she hasn't been sick or had a stroke. 

And the double wammy, to top it all off, my mom did have a stroke this morning. 

Do you think bad luck runs in streaks? Or are we just cursed? 

-

supposed to be

ugh. 

disapointment sucks. 

really really really sucks. 

why did i let you let me down? 

thats what i get, its what i always get. 

i know i think this about every guy...

...that he may be the one or what not

but maybe he really is the one...

...who knows, i have learned to never count on anything

or to count on anyone...

...but he just feels like right

like it is where i belong...

...shoulda, woulda, coulda...

blah

i have not felt this for awhile.

this whole hating the world not wanting to move from the couch feeling. 

it stinks. 

i feel all gross and like i need to someone to just shake me and get me out of this. 

UGH! i need to cry and scream and yell all at once. 

gross. gross. gross.

im so done. 

Passing from one world to another...

...must be a scary thing.

I can't imagine what that feels like, on the edge of both worlds..wanting to hold on and wanting to let go all the same. I would selfishly like to think that they would choose to come back to this world and be with me, but who am I to decide that? 

I have experianced death: first hand. It stinks (for lack of a better word). To know that you may never, even in eternity (or whatever after life you believe in), see that person again is an awful feeling. You spend your whole life getting to know these people and in a flash, they leave you. 

I am 19. I will play the brat and say that I should not have had to go through what I have gone through. I am 19. My life should not have to be this way. I should be able to go run off to college, and not worry about money and mortality, I should just be able to focus on school and having fun. I should have both of my parents standing strong fighting for me, by my side. 

Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda....

I believe and know that I am allowed to be selfish in this one aspect of my life. 

This whole concept of death hits close to home today...my grandmother passed away early this morning. She was a beautiful person who spread her love to all those around her; she will be missed. We can only find peace in the fact that she left this world peacefully, surrounded by people that loved her into a world that we do not know of yet. 

How do I exsist in a world in a world that you do not? I am still trying to figure this one out. 

I hope you all (Daddy, Uncle Mike, Grandpa Ray and Grandma Nancy) are up in heaven, holding hands, watching over us; together. 

...who cried a river a drowned the whole world

Welcome To my Blog...

I might whine sometimes, I might tell stories sometimes, and I might tell you about my day...

This is my place to be who I want to be, say what I desire and get what I need out of my head out. 

Who knows if this will last, but I have been inspired. I have been pouring over a few blogs, and have been motivated to write my own. I want the world to hear my story; wheather they want to or not...

So, I leave you, my dearest readers, with hopes that you will have faith in me as I blog on...