Yeah. It's kind of like that.

Say you're sorry
That face of an angel comes out
Just when you need it to
As I pace back and forth all this time
'Cause
I honestly believed in you
Holdin' on,
The days drag on
Stupid girl
I should've known, I should've known

That I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood,
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.

Baby I was naïve,
Got lost in your eyes
I never really had a chance.
My mistake I didnt know to be in love
you had to fight to have the upper hand.
I had so many dreams about you and me
Happy endings;
Now I know

I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood,
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down.
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.

And there you are on your knees
Begging for forgiveness,
Begging for me
Just like I always wanted,
But I'm so sorry

Cause Im not your princess
This aint a fairytale
Im gonna find someone, Some day
Who might actually treat me well.
This is a big world,
That was a small town
There in my rearview mirror,
Disappearing now.
And it's too late for you and your White Horse,
Now its too late for you and your White Horse
To catch me now.

Oh whoa whoa whoa-oh
Try and catch me now
Whoa-Oh
It's too late
To catch me now.

You were the one.

the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

I knew it.

What happened?

What did someone say that you could believe about me?

I need answers.

I was falling in love with you.

Now I have just fallen

And I'm alone.

Life is NOT supposed to be like this.

I miss you daddy.

I'm just so tired
Won't you sing me to sleep
Fly through my dreams
So i can hitch a ride 
With you tonight
And get away from this place
Have a new name and face
I just ain't the same without you in my life

Late night drives
All alone in my car
I can't help but start
Singing lines 
From all our favorite songs
And melodies in the air
Singing life just ain't fair but
Sometimes i still just can't
Believe you're gone

And i'm sure the view from heaven
Beats the hell out of mine here
And if we all believe in heaven
Maybe we'llmake it through
One more year, down here

Feel your fire when it's cold in my heart
And things sorta start reminding me
Of my last night with you
I only need one more day
Just one more chance to say
I wish that i had gone up with you too

You won't be coming back 
And i didn't get to say goodbye
I really wish i got to say goodbye

I hope all is well in heaven
Cause it's all shot to hell down here
I hope that i find you in heaven
Cause i'm so lost without you down here

You won't be coming back 
And i didn't get to say goodbye
I really wish i got to say goodbye

Yeah. That one hurts. <3

=)

I can do this.

I am a strong, empowered woman. 

I do not need a man to make me complete.

I just need myself :)

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
LIttle voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

*there are no words better than these to describe how I feel.

Is there anyone out there that can hear me? I'm calling out to you. 

It's a lonely world out there

I'm sick and tired of being alone.

I'm sick and tired of being wanted in ways I don't really want to be wanted. 

I'm sick and tired of waking up by myself.

I'm sick and tired of being stinking sick and tired<3

That's what I get for falling again...

...I can't seem to get you out of my mind. 

I don't want to fall to pieces

You win this round. 

But I'm winning the next. That you can count on. 

I'm fantastic

It's your loss really. 

I could rip you apart

I could rip you apart.

Into a thousand pieces.

I could scream at you.

Tell you all the things you did wrong. 

I could slap you and punch you.

Until it hurts you and not me. 

I could tell everyone your secret.

Embarress you in front of all you friends. 

I could hate you.

Hate you until my face turns red. 

You pick. Your wish is my command. (Apparently, I only live to serve you). 

turn down the lights
turn down the bed
turn down these voices
inside my head
lay down with me
tell me no lies
just hold me close
don't patronize
don't patronize me

i can't make you love me if you don't
you can't make your heart feel
somethin' it wont
here in the dark,in these final hours
i will lay down my heart
and feel the power if you wont
no you wont
cuz i can't make you love me
if you don't

i'll close my eyes
then i wont see
the love you dont feel
when your holdin' me
morning will come
and i'll do whats right
just give me till then
to give up this fight
and i will give up this fight

Tomorrow.

A heart will stop beating. 

A baby will never born. 

A baby will never take a first breath.

A baby will never be named.

A baby will never get the chance to live. 

To laugh.

To love. 

My heart hurts for you baby, and the decisions of your immature mother.

For your sake, I will name you.

Your name, unborn beautiful baby is Lee. 

I won't forget you, beautiful Lee. 

Can you tell my dad I say hi up in Heaven? 

If dreams could come true.

I would have you. 

Too much

I have too many feelings for such a small person. 

I'm too pocketsized to feel all these things at once.

My heart hurts. 

Do you want me?

Like I want you?

Or am I standing still?

I am not alone.

I'm surrounded by love. 

I have family that loves me, even though they are far away.

I have a best friend, who would drop everything for me. 

I am surrounded by roommates that put up with my bullshit everyday, but don't bitch. 

I have friends in lots of places, all of which care for me. 

So why is it, that without you, you one single person, I so feel alone?

There is a lump in my throat, and it won't go away, no matter what I do, no matter what I say. 

please just call me. 

The more boys I meet, the more I love my dog.

Carrie Underwood knows what the heck she's talking about. 

This boy here wants to move too fast
He sees my future as having a past
Well, I don't think so
I don't think so

That boy there, well he's playing a fool
He thinks he's funny and he thinks he's cool
We'll I don't think so
I don't think so

Cheap date, bad taste, another night gone to waste
Talking about nothing in so many words
It's not like I'm not trying
'Cause I'll give anyone a shot once

And, I , I close my eyes
And, I kiss that frog
Each time finding
The more boys I meet the more I love my dog

Here's this guy, thinks he's bad to the bone
He wants to pick me up and take me home
Well, I don't think so
I don't think so

Cage fights, PlayStation, X-Games, Raider Nation
Oversize pants with an ego to match
It's not like I'm not trying
'Cause I'll give anyone a shot once

And, I , I close my eyes
And, I kiss that frog
Each time finding
The more boys I meet the more I love my dog

Why can't they be like the one's that mean everything to me
The warm and loyal, open and friendly
It's not like I'm not trying
'Cause I'll give anyone a shot once

I close my eyes
And, I kiss that frog
Each time finding
The more boys I meet the more I love my

I close my eyes
And, I kiss that frog
Each time finding
The more boys I meet the more I love my dog

The more I love my dog

Sing it sister. 

A song.

well you might be a bit confused 
and you might be a little bit bruised 
but baby how we spoon like no one else 
so I will help you read those books 
if you will soothe my worried looks 
and we will put the lonesome on the shelf 

oh let’s get rich and buy our parents homes in the South of France 
let's get rich and give everybody nice sweaters 
and teach them how to dance 
let's get rich and build our house on a mountain 
making everybody look like ants 
from way up there you and I, you and I 

I don't know anymore.

I'm having another one of those days. 

A snuggle-with-your-teddy-bear-and-anything-else-within-a-5-foot-radius-day. 

I feel blah.

I feel ignored. 

I feel forgotten. 

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

My body

Is literally rejecting the concept of sex.

It makes my period late.

It bleeds almost everytime I do it.

And now, from the same brand of condom we have been using since the begining, I have hives in places no one should ever have hives. 

Freaking figures. 

It would be impossible.

I am not pregnant.

I command myself not to be. 

Someone call the doctor, got a case of love bi-polar.

I broke a rule today.

One of those "hook-up buddy" rules. 

Whoops. 

I told the truth. 

You did too.

I didn't like your truth. 

All we can do is keep breathing.

All that I know is that I'm breathing.

All I can do is keep breathing.

All we can do is keep breathing. 

All we can do is keep breathing. 

The ability...

...to remember everything comes in handy at times. 

But it also sucks. 

I have this ability to remember dates and numbers.

It's obscene. 

For example, the "boy" and I met on January 21st. 

I had my first kiss on 15th of April, 6 years ago. 

I first started as editor-in-cheif flying solo on September 20, 2006. 

I remember everything.

Which is why I can't get what you said out of my head. 

10 Things...

Ten things I wish you knew about me.

Ten things I wish I could tell you. 

1) I am so open to new things. Just because I say I don't like something doesn't mean that I'm not willing to try again. 

2) I am very low maintenance. I don't know how to be complicated, and even if I did, I would still not be it. 

3) I have a really big heart. I am a nice, caring person by nature. 

4) I am a total perfectionist. If I can't get it right the first time, I will continue to do so until it is right. 

5) I get overwhelmed by situations easily. If something doesn't go my way, or I hear the word no, I'm pretty much a goner. 

6) I love making the world happy by just being me. 

7) I smile whenever I can. There is no use wasting my time with a sour face. 

8) I love people. I love being around them and hearing about their lives. I am a great listener...and a great talker too. 

9) I am into reality checks. Being realistic is something I have always been my entire life, and it has gotten me to where I am today. 

10) I am the nicest person in the world when your on my good side, but I can go from zero to bitch in .5 seconds. 

<33

Tonight..

Just for tonight.

My heart doesn't hurt.

My body doesn't ache.

My mind is as peace. 

Just for tonight.

I'm okay. <3

Stuck

We can't move forward.

We refuse to go back.

We won't go left.

And we defiently won't go right. 

Sideways won't work. 

Upside down stinks. 

Diagnally is not going to cut it. 

Were stuck. 

But, at the very least, we are together. 

You could write a book

..on how to ruin a perfect life. 

Everyone.

Hey did you want to tell me how to live my life?

Or why don't you just tell me how to feel.

Did you want to analyze things for me?

Or why don't you just tell me what to do.

Or hey, while your at it, why don't you just live my life for me! That's a thought...Considering I'm doing such a crappy job living my life!

Hey everyone who ever told me what to do...Fuck off. 

I'm doing just fine. 

As if I could define how I feel in my own words...

Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find
That what you're looking for has been here the whole time

If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along, so why can't you see?
You, you belong with me, you belong with me

Walking the streets with you and your worn-out jeans
I can't help thinking this is how it ought to be
Laughing on a park bench, thinking to myself
Hey, isn't this easy?

And you've got a smile that could light up this whole town
I haven't seen it in a while since she brought you down
You say you're fine, I know you better than that
Hey, what ya doing with a girl like that?

Somewhere in between...

Somewhere in between the talking, the laughter, the drunk pick ups and drop offs..

Somewhere in between the tutoring, the stories, the late night make out sessions...

Somewhere in between the me loosing my virginity to you, the getting to know you...

Somewhere in between the tennis matches, the making each other feel better....

Somewhere in between the flirting and the staring in eachother's eyes....

I fell for you. 

If I could define what we are....

I got you, I got you on my mind
And it's time to make you see (What I want)
So I'll just make this a little more obvious
'Cos I get what I want
And I want you to get with me

Don't think you know
How far I'm gonna go

You can't stop this feeling
You can't run away
Baby I'm what's on your mind
You can't stop this feeling
There's no escape
No sleep tonight
You won't get no sleep tonight

You want me,
You want me all the time
And you don't need nothing else
But you seem to be a little oblivious
So I'll show you the way
If you think that you need some help

Tell me baby
Are you coming with me

You can't stop this feeling
You can't run away
Baby I'm what's on your mind
You can't stop this feeling
There's no escape
No sleep tonight
You won't get no sleep tonight
No sleep tonight
No sleep tonight

Boy you won't be sleeping
No sleep tonight
Do I have to spell it out in black and white
Boy you won't be sleeping
No sleep tonight
Do I have to spell it out in black and white
No sleep tonight
No sleep tonight
No sleep tonight

Re: Last post

Let's emphaisize the "Should" in the last post.

Because we both won't quit. 

I just wish I could quit you. 

I think I figured it out..

You can't be what I want.

I can't be what you want.

I can't expect anything from you.

You expect too much from me.

...we are really bad at this.

We should probably should quit while we are ahead. 

How many times can I break until I shatter?

If I could speak in song...

...this is what I would say to you. 

Say what you want, say what you mean
question yourself, are you really what you seem?
Say what you want, say what you mean
question yoursel, are you really what you dream?

 

I'm so not feeling this right now. 

My give a damn's busted...

Your like a magic 8 ball. 

You never know what your going to get. 

And most of the time, the answers are just total bullshit. 

But everything looks perfect from far away...

I fall for you, you can't catch me.

You fall for me, I can't catch you. 

Were not very good at this game of love. 

I don't understand what your intentions for me are. 

Last night I fell in love without you.

My sister is engaged. 

To a wonderful boy. 

I love Ben, he's incredible and will always take care of my sister. 

I can't help but wonder...is my "Ben" out there? 

At this point where I am at in life, my sister was already dating Ben. 

It's not a competition, were two different people. 

But, I honestly can't help but think that sometimes. 

Where is my Ben? 

He's got to be out there somewhere, right? It's a big world. He's out there. I just know it. 

Life Lessons Learned by Me today.

I would highly recomend NOT: 

1) Riding a bike while still adjusting to the fact your now having sex. 

2) Spending your entire paycheck on shoes, and eating top ramen the following week to make up for it. 

3) Fighting with a 16-year-old girl. They are stubborn and just plain ol' mean.

4) Falling for your hook-up buddy. It's just messy. 

I would highly recomend: 

1) Having a hook-up buddy for those crappy days. 

2) Calling your mother at least every other day. 

3) Putting away 10$ a week for something awesome, like a trip to Orlando.

4) Driving alone, windows down, singing your favorite song on the top of your lungs. 

O joyus day. I'm all smiles. 

Roller Coaster Ride

Your hot then your cold. 

I like you when you do things right, hate you when you do things wrong. 

Your yes then your no.

I want to show you I care, I am I don't want to be clingy. 

Your I am too busy, I'm free.

Your drunk, I am sober. 

Your Mr. Right then Mr. Wrong. 

I am drunk, you are sober. 

Your I need you, I do not want you. 

I am I want to, I am I change my mind. 

This roller coaster we are on is exhausting.  But I don't want to get off<3

Irony.

I do not understand.

Everything happens to me.

No one else. 

It is like I am taking thier shots for them. 

When do I catch a break and everyone else gets crap thrown their way?

Virgin me not so virgin anymore

It's funny. 

I was a virgin for so long.

Everyone knew it. 

EVERYONE.

It never really bothered me. Sometimes it got under my skin, but truely, it didn't bother me.

I was just the virgin of the group. Pretty much the only one left. 

And now I'm not.

Just like that.

It's amazing how 15 minutes can change your life, and how the world sees you.

It's over. =) 

I'm wearing

Really sexy underwear and bra in hopes it might lift my day. 

One of those days...

Ugh.

Gross. 

Yuck. 

(For lack of better words)

I'm having one of those days. One of those days where you feel all down in the dumps and you cannot seem to lift yourself out. 

These kind of days are so pointless. I cannot accomplish anything in a state of mind like this. All I want is cookie dough and some depressing movies. 

Hm. If only I could find the root of the problem, I could figure this out. 

But alas, it is hard to find the root of a problem when there are countless roots that could be pulling me down.

Go figure. 

Fuck.

My.

Life...

Yep. It's like that. 

I don't miss you

I'm free. 

I'm miraculously over you. 

O, happy day. 

I hope you think of me...

...more often than I think of you. 

It's been 4 days since we last talked. It's quite liberating. It is slightly strange, considering we usually talk everyday. But, I'm dealing. Very well actually. 

I'm wanting to leave California. Maybe Orlando? Hawaii?

Anything. Get me out of here. I just want the beach and sunshine. Is that asking too much? 

Ha

I think it's funny.

When the "boy" and I were getting to know each other...he told me of this list of requirements that he had of women in his life. I pretty much had all these requirements..except I don't like sea food. I actually detest it. The "boy" could not let this go and was stuck on this topic for quite some time.

Also, I am pretty deathly allergic to coconut, and he was sad and was like "Where there goes some points...there is nothing like a good macaroon." Um, Fuck you much? If I ate one, I would probably die.

At least my sea food dislike could be changed...I was willing to eat sea food for him...But the whole coconut thing really got to me. Hm, death or a good macaroon? 

When I told my friend about me and the "boy" breaking up..he said, and I remember it clearly, 'Well, at least you don't have to force yourself to ever eat seafood'

Haha. (I can't decide if it is actually funny or not)

Absorbed

For the past few days..I have been completely absorbed by Taylor Swift lyrics..I feel like she writes the soundtrack to my life...

I don't even like country. But her words, they stick with you. 

In a good way. 

Here are a few of my right-now favorites. 

But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

Music starts playin' like the end of a sad movie
It's the kinda ending you don't really wanna see
'Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down
Now I don't know what to be without you around

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

Of all the girls tossing rocks at your window
I'll be the one waiting there even when it's cold
Hey Stephen, boy, you might have me believing
I don't always have to be alone

'Cause I can't help it if you look like an angel
Can't help it if I wanna kiss you in the rain so
Come feel this magic I've been feeling since I met you
Can't help it if there's no one else

If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along, so why can't you see?
You, you belong with me, you belong with me

Walking the streets with you and your worn-out jeans
I can't help thinking this is how it ought to be
Laughing on a park bench, thinking to myself
Hey, isn't this easy?

And you've got a smile that could light up this whole town
I haven't seen it in a while since she brought you down
You say you're fine, I know you better than that

it's 2am, and i feel like i just lost a friend...

And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

Yeah. 

It's kind of like that. 

My song to you...

His eyes are like a jungle
He smiles, it's like the radio
He whispers songs into my window
In words nobody knows
There's pretty girls on every corner
That watch him as he's walking home
Saying, does he know
Will you ever know

You're beautiful
Every little piece love, don't you know
You're really gonna be someone, ask anyone
When you find everything you looked for
I hope your life leads you back to my door
Oh but if it don't, stay beautiful

He finds another way to be
The highlight of my day
I'm taking pictures in my mind
So I can save them for a rainy day
It's hard to make conversation
When he's taking my breath away
I should say, hey by the way

If you and I are a story
That never gets told
If what you are is a daydream
I'll never get to hold, at least you'll know

You're beautiful every little piece love,
and don't you know your really gonna be someone ask anyone.
and when you find everything you looked for,
I hope your life leads you back to my front door.

I can't decide...

If you want me or if you don't.

I don't think you can decide either.

Hm, this stinks. 

((You are the single most confusing person I have ever met, but I care for you immensely)

((I'm dreaming of your bed, and the way you make me feel so alive when I feel so dead every time else))

(((Can you do that thing with the biting on the neck right before I come again? That gave me goosebumps)))

I'm unsure

I am unsure...

Which one is better: being wanted or being needed?

Either way, I love them both.

(I also love the way you make me feel when you do things right)

Single-minded till the point of recklessness.

This is me.

Take it or leave it.

I'm not perfect.

I am who I am.

I'm sorry if you don't like it.

Because I do.

hmp.

I know we were together for a month.
A short month.

But, within that month, I gave you part of my heart.
I gave you smiles, and laughter.
I gave you stores, and birthday wishes.
I gave you part of me.

Can I have it back please?
No? Well then, I'll keep acting on the way that I am.
I'm doing the best I can.


O, and by the way, in case you were wondering..you can't have yours back either.

It's a big girl world now

...full of big girl things
And everyday, I wish I was small
I've been counting on nothing
But he keeps giving me his word
And I am tired of hearing myself speak
Do you get weary, do you ever get weak?
How do you dream when you can't fall asleep?

I've been wondering what you're thinking
And if you like my dress tonight?
Would you still say you love me
Under this ordinary moonlight?
I'm so afraid, of what you'll say.

I'd like to know, if you'd be open to starting over from scratch
I'd like to know, if you'd be open to giving me a second chance

I used I was special
And only I have proved me wrong
I thought I could change the world with a song
But I have ended up here
With no map to guide me home
The strangest place I think I've ever been
And all this time, I thought we were friends
My stubborn will is learning to bend

I'd like to know, if you'd be open to starting over from scratch
I'd like to know, if you'd be open to giving me a second chance

It's a big girl world now
Full of big girl things....



And everyday I wish I was small

Hey Jerk...

You can suck it. 

=). 

He misses me

I think I just peed a little.

You dumped me.

You made me cry.

You told me you wanted to see other people.

You told me you just need to "focus on school".

You broke MY heart.

But, you miss me? Is that like code for "I want to get into your pants?" Becasue, in the time that you said that to me, you were already in them. 

Hey douche bag, I hate you. 

I hate you.

I hate you.

In a "I want to have angry sex, make out with you, don't really hate you kind of way"

Fuck you. (very very much)

Here is a poem, customized to how I feel right now.

I hate the way you talk to me
And the way you cut your hair
I hate the way you smile at me
I hate it when you stare

I hate your love of sea food
And the way you read my mind
I hate you so much that it makes me sick
It even makes me ryhme

I hate the way you're always right
I hate it when you lie
I hate it when you make me laugh
Even worse when you make me cry

I hate the way you're not around
And the fact that you didn't call
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you
Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all. 

Hurt

Here is another song, which fits today. 

I want a kiss, right now, where it hurts.

..Except that's my heart. 

"I hurt myself today

To see if I still felt

I focus on the pain

The only thing that real

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end

I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here

if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way "

make. it. stop. 

what i'm going to say to him.

"Your a really nice guy; Probably one of the nicest I have ever met. Your cute, and sweet, and extrmeley intelligant and driven. But I'm some of those things too. I'm nice, and pretty, and sweet, driven and smart, I'm clean, clever and I bake well..but you don't see that. I'm not sure if you choose to not see that for whatever reason, or if you just don't. Maybe you still see Jen, and she holds your entire vision and that's why you can't see me. I don't really know, and I'm done analyzing it. The entire time that I have known you, as short as it might be, I have been doing things to try to make you see me. But you just don't see me; and I have to learn to accept that. You cannot give me what I want, and I can't keep pretending like that is okay with me. I don't want to end whatever this thing I have with you, because honestly I am having a lot of fun with whatever it is we have going on, but I know I need to. I want to still be friends, and you can sure as hell know that I'll be here on Wednesdays to watch lost with you. And maybe, if you ever decide to open your eyes and see me for what I am, which is fabulous, we can go out on a date or spend some time to get to know eachother better. Your a nice boy Andy, we just have crossed paths at the wrong point in life"

my song, broken into peices

here lies my favorite song, that pretty much applies to me in many walks of life. here are the pieces that fit right now...

She loves her mama's lemonade

Hates the sounds that goodbyes make

She prays to one day find someone that needs her

And she would change everything, everything just ask her

Caught in the in between, a beautiful disaster 

She just needs someone to take her home

She's giving the boys what they want, tries to act so non-chalant 

Afraid they'll see what she has lost her direction

She never stays the same for long 

Assuming that she will get it wrong

She would change everything for happy ever after

Caught in the in between, a beautiful disaster

She just needs soemone to take her home

It hurts tonight. Everything, all at once. 

Where is this invisible train that keeps hitting me? 

dreaming of you

why don't you want me?

i can't sleep alone anymore, i have such bad nightmares...

i got used to having you want me there, and now you dont.

do i reak of perfume that is anti-boy?

because that is what it feels like.

i just want to sleep. cant you just get over whatever is bugging you for long enough for me to get one night of good sleep? 

im not selfish, im really not. 

Actually

I hate this girl for messing with you. 

It's not fair. 

Not everyone is like her. 

I'm worth it. 

Love is worth it. 

You made me believe that I can find love again.

I just wish that meant that you loved me. 

you

I wish I could have had you before she screwed you up.

Love is possible. 

I am pretty spectacular, just let yourself fall for me. 

I will not let you down.

Can you not see that? 

we just can't catch a break...

Like, I'm not even kidding. 

Within the course of 4 years...

-My father dies a few years back.

-My grandpa has 4 strokes, including one in which he wasn't able to talk to us for weeks. 

-My grandma has multiple heart attacks and multiple scares that land her in the hospital.

-My good friend, Nick, passes away suddenly. 

-My grandmother goes into the hospital around Christmas this year, only to leave 3 weeks later on Hospice care (Basically sent her home to die)

-She died 3 short days after going home. 

-After my grandmother dies (my moms mom), my mother goes in for a normal dentist appointment only to find out her blood pressure is sky high, and doctors don't know why she hasn't been sick or had a stroke. 

And the double wammy, to top it all off, my mom did have a stroke this morning. 

Do you think bad luck runs in streaks? Or are we just cursed? 

-

supposed to be

ugh. 

disapointment sucks. 

really really really sucks. 

why did i let you let me down? 

thats what i get, its what i always get. 

i know i think this about every guy...

...that he may be the one or what not

but maybe he really is the one...

...who knows, i have learned to never count on anything

or to count on anyone...

...but he just feels like right

like it is where i belong...

...shoulda, woulda, coulda...

blah

i have not felt this for awhile.

this whole hating the world not wanting to move from the couch feeling. 

it stinks. 

i feel all gross and like i need to someone to just shake me and get me out of this. 

UGH! i need to cry and scream and yell all at once. 

gross. gross. gross.

im so done. 

Passing from one world to another...

...must be a scary thing.

I can't imagine what that feels like, on the edge of both worlds..wanting to hold on and wanting to let go all the same. I would selfishly like to think that they would choose to come back to this world and be with me, but who am I to decide that? 

I have experianced death: first hand. It stinks (for lack of a better word). To know that you may never, even in eternity (or whatever after life you believe in), see that person again is an awful feeling. You spend your whole life getting to know these people and in a flash, they leave you. 

I am 19. I will play the brat and say that I should not have had to go through what I have gone through. I am 19. My life should not have to be this way. I should be able to go run off to college, and not worry about money and mortality, I should just be able to focus on school and having fun. I should have both of my parents standing strong fighting for me, by my side. 

Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda....

I believe and know that I am allowed to be selfish in this one aspect of my life. 

This whole concept of death hits close to home today...my grandmother passed away early this morning. She was a beautiful person who spread her love to all those around her; she will be missed. We can only find peace in the fact that she left this world peacefully, surrounded by people that loved her into a world that we do not know of yet. 

How do I exsist in a world in a world that you do not? I am still trying to figure this one out. 

I hope you all (Daddy, Uncle Mike, Grandpa Ray and Grandma Nancy) are up in heaven, holding hands, watching over us; together. 

...who cried a river a drowned the whole world

Welcome To my Blog...

I might whine sometimes, I might tell stories sometimes, and I might tell you about my day...

This is my place to be who I want to be, say what I desire and get what I need out of my head out. 

Who knows if this will last, but I have been inspired. I have been pouring over a few blogs, and have been motivated to write my own. I want the world to hear my story; wheather they want to or not...

So, I leave you, my dearest readers, with hopes that you will have faith in me as I blog on...